Understanding Tantrums in Young Children: Part 2

Yesterday, we discussed why young children throw tantrums. The reasons varied from little ones being tired or hungry, to them not having the language to say how they feel, or to just needing attention.

Today, I want to talk about what you can do to help your child get through a tantrum, and tips you can use to try to avoid a tantrum altogether.

I've been working with children for over 10 years now. I have learned many ways to curve, or avoid tantrums. There are many things you can do to help your child through those emotional times when they don't know how to react, or can't control their reactions.

Here's my advice:

1. Stay calm, and be patient. There's nothing that makes tantrums worse than having a yelling, or screaming contest. Children feed off of our emotions, and behavior. If they see us getting worked up, it will only cause them to get even more worked up. Staying calm is the only option.
2. Know your child. Try to avoid tantrums by removing the triggers. I'm not saying give your child that cookie he's crying over to avoid a fit. But planning ahead to avoid an over hungry toddler, or even keeping the cookies out of view can prevent having to tell the child no.
3. Emotional Support- Many times I have been able to stop a tantrum from starting by asking "Do you need a hug?" This let's the child know that you are on their side, and want to help. It's very comforting. If the child accepts, it also opens up the door for talking about whatever the problem is. Many times tantrums are caused by emotions that the child doesn't know how to control, like we discussed yesterday. Hugs offer support for their confusing emotions.
4. Distraction- Often times, younger children can be distracted from whatever it is that's bothering them. Make them forget all about it by pointing out something that may interest them, and it's like magic.
5. Joking around- Sometimes, when my son gets upset, he does this little tantrum dance where he shakes his whole body around. If his mood is not too terrible, I can say to him "That was a funny dance. Can you show me that again?" and he laughs it off. 
6. Teach children what they need to say. Often young children get frustrated when they can't do something they are trying to do. They may throw the object they were working with, or get upset. At that point, I walk over to the child and say something like this "I see that you are frustrated with your block tower. Some times building a tower can be tricky. Do you want some help?" Then I will direct them to say "I need help please." Teaching children the words that will help them avoid a tantrum helps immensely when it comes to tantrums.  
7. Some times children just need to have a good cry & there's nothing wrong with that. Tantrums are inevitable, and some times unavoidable. If you tried everything to prevent the tantrum, and it still comes on full force, the best thing you can do is let it run it's course without making deals, negotiating, or changing your rules. Giving in is one of the worst things you can do. It will make the tantrum worse and longer the next time. Place your child in a safe place where you can keep an eye on him or her, and where they are free of anything that can hurt them. On their bed, or on the floor near you is the usually the best place. Offering comfort is ok so they know you are there for them if they need it, but if that makes them more upset, then it's best to just let them go, and wait until they calm down. Afterwards, always talk to them about their feelings, and what they can do next time to avoid the situation. 
8. As always, consistency, and patience is the key to any parenting strategy.

I hope my tips helped you understand a little better about why your child throws those tantrums. They are really not against you, or trying to be defiant. There's always a reason behind the tantrum. The trick is to figure out the reason, and learn what you can do to prevent it in the future. 

As a result of me using these same tips and tricks on my own 3 year old, he rarely throws fits. If he does, I know something is wrong. Yes, he protests, and cries, but he almost never throws those screaming, crying, throwing things fits.

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Side note: Yesterday I received my very first "I hate you, Mama!" from my 3 year old. I was already having a bad day, and that just made it worse. I cried. I was shocked since we don't speak like that, and it was the first time I heard him say anything like that. I let him finish his tantrum (I said he rarely has them, but yesterday was one of those rare times), and then we talked about how words like that can hurt people. He saw how upset I was, and said he was sorry, and asked if he could draw me a picture. (In our house, if you hurt someone, you must make it better by not only saying sorry, but by doing something nice for the person you hurt.) So this morning before he woke me up, he stayed in his room and made me a picture, then woke me up by giving me the picture. It was a great start to a brand new day!

Good luck!